Its been a while..

It feels like forever since I've written an entry - and it has been.  12 months.  12 long months in which so much has happened.

I remember starting 2012 and feeling like 'yes this is my year' .. things hadn't been the best for the last few years and I felt like this was going to be it.  The year of me.  The year of hopes and dreams.  The year things finally, after many years of hoping, fell into place.

But sadly, 12 months after I've written my last blog entry so much has changed.. Including me.

Im exhausted. emotionally. mentally. physically.
Im a size I have never been before and that depresses me.  big time
I feel I have no inner strength.
I feel borderline depressed.
I feel out of touch and disconnected with everyone.
I have lost all sense of 'me'.

This year is starting to break me.. and im not the type of person that gets broken.. ever.
I am not the type that will ever admit to struggling.. but I have to.

The last 12 months i've witnessed more seizures than any mum should ever have to.  Day in, day out.  They aren't big ones.. but each and every one of them breaks my heart just a little.  And all those fragments that get broken every day/every few days and starting to take a toll.  My heart is crumbling.  Seeing this happen to my baby boy - it sucks.. big time.

Im a mum to 2 beautiful children that I love dearly.  But its hard work.  Really really hard.  And often I feel very alone in my journey.  I have a wonderful, loving supportive hubby - but its just the life of a stay-at-home mum.

My beautiful mum had bowel cancer - thank goodness it was removed before it spread or she needed chemo.. but it was a very scary time.  A long operation that went hours over.  I had a month of palpatations because of all the stress.  Scary, but thankfully.. it all ended up ok.  I would die if anything ever happened to her.

My dad was diagnosed with emphasemia.  Scary - my step mum died 3 years ago from it.  I dont want to see him suffer.  I know he's scared, but just cannot give up those darn ciggies.

I know that I can keep chugging along, im just doing my best to keep my head above water.  I dont want to go under.

So I have decided that I have to find the real me.  I need to do something.  I feel that blogging may help.

I have always been a writer but buried it when I got married.. I dont know why, I just did.  I would always write poems and express hurt/anger/emotion that way but for some reason buried it all instead.  Its a big part of me, so I have decided that I need to get back into it.

So here goes.  My journey.  July 2012 onwards.
A mother to 2.
A wife to 1.
A woman
     x