Rollercoasters.. They are funny things. You either love them or you hate them. You either sit down, strap yourself in and enjoy the ride.. Or you look at them from a distance and think 'Hell No'.
Im one of those 'Hell No' kinda girls. I look from a distance and my stomach drops just watching them. The thought of actually going on one makes my palms go sweaty and my heart race. But the funny thing is I absolutely love watching them with Jackson on YouTube. Its the thing I find calms him the best. Something about the crazy up's and downs, twists and turns soothes him when his head is all over the place and he cant find his centre.
It's a bit ironic to me that he is obsessed watching rollercoasters - because his life is parallel to one. Ups and downs, twists and turns are all too common in this household. Its something that is normal to him, but, for me like watching a rollercoaster in real life, I find myself with my heart racing, my palms sweaty and a very uneasy feeling.
I like the predictable. I like the constant. I like things to run smoothy. I need to plan. I need to organise. Im not a huge fan of spur of the moment. I get nervous around change. I need warning.
By no means am I a control freak, quite the opposite really.. I just struggle with the unknown. I've always been like from when I was a small child. I would worry about anything and everything. From things that were far too mature for my little brain to actually comprehend, to things that were too out of my control to predict. Im not as bad as I used to be but I still think far too much.
So fast forward to 2013, I have a life that is totally and utterly unpredictable. I have no clue what each day may bring, heck I have no idea what each hour.. each minute may bring.
Everything is changing constantly.
I watch my gorgeous little man struggle day in and day out. I want to help him but the only thing I can really do is try and be the best mum I can be and be on my game 24/7. Which is hard day in day out, year after year. For me its more so because I never feel like I can do enough. I watch the seizures and know there's not a real lot I can do - just watch, time, make observations and be there for him. I then deal with the behaviour's afterwards (thats a whole new post!). Its not fair, but then again sometimes life just isn't.
I do feel totally blessed even through the haze, when we have moments of utter perfection. When day's run so smoothly and nights go according to plan. Even with all the ups and downs, twists and turns.. I still will forever look for the good in each day. Take in the sunshine, breathe the fresh air, take a breath and know I really am one of the lucky ones.
That's the rollercoaster that is life.
